21 Tips for Dealing with Irrational Elderly Parents
Caring for elderly parents can be a rewarding and fulfilling experience, but it can also be challenging at times, especially if your parents are negative, stubborn, or irrational.
It can be difficult to watch your once strong and independent parents struggle with physical or mental health issues, but it can be even harder when they are argumentative, stubborn, or overly critical.
However, with patience, understanding, and communication, you can learn how to deal with negative and irrational elderly parents and make the most of your time together.
I hope these 21 essential tips for dealing with negative elderly parents, irrational elderly parents, and the stubborn behavior of your elderly parents will help you manage these challenging times. I have used them myself and can testify that they are very beneficial for dealing with difficult parents.
What Constitutes Irrational Behavior in the Elderly?
As our parents age, their behavior may become erratic and unpredictable, leaving us to deal with the situation in a compassionate and loving manner.
Unfortunately, adult children often struggle with the changes they see in their aging parents and caregiving becomes very stressful, especially with a stubborn parent.
These are some challenging, negative, or irrational behaviors that are common among older people:
- elderly parents making poor decisions
- manipulative elderly parents
- stubborn elderly parents
- argumentative behaviors
- aging parents who aren’t willing to give up independent living
- elderly parents making false accusations
- paranoia, delusions, hallucinations
- obsessive compulsive behaviors
- aging parents who become hoarders
- refusal to accept outside caregivers
- overspending or extreme frugality
- elderly parents being demanding and needy
- elderly parents never being happy
- confusion and cognitive decline
- parents who refuse to handle their personal care
Unfortunately, your aging parents will often be frightened by these changes just like you. But it’s important for you to remember at the end of the day you are the rational adult and it’s up to you to deal with your aging parents with compassion and dignity while also making responsible decisions on their behalf.
You will want them to have the best chance of functioning normally in a space where they are comfortable and safe. They deserve this respect.
These times are not easy and will certainly have an impact on your life. But always remember that you are doing the BEST YOU CAN DO with whatever comes your way!
21 Tips: How to Deal with Stubborn Aging Parents
These 21 tips should help you deal with irrational and negative behaviors of your elderly parents. However, be patient and don’t be too hard on yourself or your loved ones. This is a difficult transition for everyone as you assume caregiving responsibilities for parents with memory loss, chronic pain, negative emotions, personality changes, and other issues associated with aging.
1. Listen and Empathize
One of the most important things you can do when dealing with negative and irrational elderly parents is to listen to them and try to understand their perspective. Aging can be a difficult and lonely experience, and your parents may be struggling with feelings of fear, frustration, or sadness with their declining cognitive impairment.
By taking the time to listen to their concerns and validate their emotions, you can help them feel heard and supported. This will help your older parent feel validated and relevant.
Try to put yourself in their shoes and empathize with their struggles. For example, if your mother complains about feeling isolated and lonely, you might say something like, “I can understand how you feel. It must be hard to adjust to not seeing your friends and family as often as you used to.” By acknowledging her feelings, you show that you care and are willing to support her.
2. Set Boundaries
While it is important to be understanding and empathetic, it is also important to set boundaries when dealing with negative, stubborn, and irrational elderly parents. This can help prevent arguments, reduce stress, and maintain a healthy relationship.
For example, if your mother is overly critical of your choices or constantly complains about your lifestyle, you might say something like, “I appreciate your concern, but I need you to respect my decisions and choices.”
By setting boundaries, you communicate that you value your own opinions and are not willing to be constantly criticized. Your boundaries may even need to include a list of topics that are unacceptable for discussion.
3. Communicate Clearly and Calmly
Effective communication is the best way to deal with negative and irrational elderly parents. Try to communicate clearly and calmly — avoid sarcasm, insults, or aggressive language. Speak in a respectful and considerate manner, even if you disagree with your parents.
If you feel yourself becoming frustrated or angry, it’s a good idea to take a break and calm down before continuing the conversation.
Avoid power struggles… don’t give ultimatums… don’t yell or raise your voice… don’t argue. These behaviors will only create more struggles for you and your elderly parents.
Remember that elderly parents may have difficulty hearing, understanding, or processing, so be patient and speak slowly and clearly.
4. Seek Professional Help
Seeking professional help can provide you with many benefits. Professionals can help you cope with the emotional toll of caring for elderly parents and provide you with resources and information about aging, caregiving, memory issues, medical conditions, safety issues, and a host of other challenges.
Professional caregivers, therapists, and support groups can offer valuable advice and emotional support, helping caregivers cope with the emotional and physical demands of caregiving.
They can also provide practical assistance with managing your medications, appointments, and daily tasks, freeing up time and energy for you to focus on your own well-being.
Additionally, professional help can offer a fresh perspective and impartial guidance on difficult decisions, such as end-of-life care.
Ultimately, seeking professional help can help caregivers feel less isolated and more empowered, improving your own mental health and the quality of care you can provide to your parents.
5. Take Care of Yourself
Caring for elderly parents can be stressful and emotionally draining, so it is important to take care of yourself as well. Make time for yourself, pursue your own interests and hobbies, and maintain a social support network. This can help reduce stress, improve your mood, and prevent burnout.
You may also want to join a support group for caregivers. These groups provide a safe and supportive environment for caregivers to share their experiences, exchange advice, and receive emotional support.
Don’t be afraid to ask if there are other family caregivers who can help. It’s not going to do anyone any good for you to start feeling like, “My elderly mother is consuming my life.” You need to have breaks and support in order to provide loving, compassionate care to your difficult older parents.
The best advice I can provide for self-care during these difficult times is get plenty of sleep and eat right.
6. Be Patient and Understanding
Dealing with negative and irrational elderly parents can be frustrating and challenging, but it is important to be patient and understanding. While you always have the best intentions, taking care of elderly people can be quite difficult.
Remember that your parents may be dealing with physical or mental health issues that affect their behavior and mood. Try to be supportive and empathetic, even when their behavior is difficult to deal with.
If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed or frustrated, take a break and come back to the situation later. Remember that caring for elderly parents is a long-term commitment, and it is important to pace yourself and take breaks when needed.
7. Focus on Positive Moments
While it can be easy to get caught up in negative behaviors and attitudes, it is important to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship with your elderly parents. Look for opportunities to connect and bond with them, whether it’s sharing a meal, watching a movie, or simply spending time together. Seek common ground that helps you connect with your parents.
Try to celebrate their achievements and successes, even if they are small. Acknowledge their contributions and value to your family and community. By focusing on the positive aspects of your relationship, and their wonderful personality traits, you can build a stronger and more meaningful connection with your parents.
8. Practice Empowerment
Ask for their input and opinions on important decisions, such as healthcare or financial planning. This can help them feel like they have a sense of control over their lives and are still valued members of the family.
They can even help with meal planning and grocery lists. Get them involved in planning for holidays and celebrating family birthdays. Don’t make them feel like their input no longer matters.
As your parents age, they may feel like they are losing control over their lives. This can lead to feelings of frustration, anger, and helplessness. One way to help your parents feel empowered is to involve them in decision-making processes.
9. Seek Community Resources
Caring for elderly parents can be a daunting task, but there are many community resources available to help. Local senior centers, community organizations, and government agencies can provide information and support for caregivers and their families.
These resources can include transportation services, meal delivery programs, respite care, and support groups. By taking advantage of these resources, you can reduce your caregiving burden and improve your overall well-being. In turn, this will allow you to provide better care for your elderly parents.
10. Consider Professional Caregiving Services
If your elderly parents require more intensive care than you are able to provide, you may want to consider professional caregiving services. These services can range from in-home care to assisted living facilities, depending on your parents’ needs and preferences. There are numerous senior living options available today.
While it can be difficult to make the decision to move your parents into a care facility, it may ultimately be the best choice for their health and well-being. Home care may no longer be appropriate.
Professional caregivers are trained to provide specialized care and support for elderly individuals with physical or mental health issues, ensuring that they receive the attention and care they need. It can be particularly challenging for adult children to deal with memory care if some form of dementia is involved.
11. Focus on What You Can Control
Another important strategy for dealing with negative and irrational elderly parents is to focus on what you can control. While you cannot control your parents’ behavior or emotions, you can control your own responses to them. This means focusing on your own thoughts, feelings, and actions, rather than trying to change your parents.
One way to focus on what you can control is to practice mindfulness. Mindfulness involves being present in the moment and non-judgmentally observing your thoughts and feelings.
By practicing mindfulness, you can become more aware of your own actions and words toward your parents and learn to respond in a more calm and centered way.
Additionally, mindfulness can help reduce stress and improve overall well-being, making it a useful tool for caregivers dealing with difficult situations.
12. Avoid Trigger Topics
Another important aspect of dealing with negative and irrational elderly parents is to avoid trigger topics that can lead to arguments or negative interactions. These can vary depending on your individual situation, but common trigger topics may include politics, religion, finances, or health issues.
When discussing these topics with your parents, it is important to approach the conversation with sensitivity and respect. Try to understand their perspective and listen to their concerns without judgment.
If the conversation becomes heated or confrontational, it may be best to change the subject or take a break and revisit the topic at a later time. You may also want to ask yourself if this conversation is really necessary, and don’t revisit the topic at all.
You can also develop boundaries about specific topics that are acceptable, and topics that are not acceptable to discuss with your elderly parents. By setting clear boundaries and avoiding trigger topics, you can reduce the likelihood of negative interactions and maintain a more positive relationship with your elderly parents.
13. Remember to Show Them Love
It is important to remember that your parents are still the same people that you have known and loved throughout your life. While their behavior may have changed, their need for love and support has not.
One way to manage difficult situations with your elderly parents is to remember to show your love. This can take many forms, such as spending quality time with them, giving them thoughtful gifts, or simply telling them how much you care about them.
Additionally, it can be helpful to express gratitude for the positive things that your parents have done in your life. This can help shift your focus away from negative behavior and towards the positive aspects of your relationship.
Ultimately, showing your love and support can help improve your relationship with your loved ones and create a more positive caregiving experience. Even small gestures of kindness and appreciation can make a significant difference in the lives of your parents, and in your own life as well.
14. Decide What Matters Most
When caring for elderly parents, it is important to decide what matters are most important. This includes determining what aspects of care are essential and what aspects are optional or negotiable.
For example, you may decide that your parent’s physical health is the most important priority, and that all other considerations, such as social activities or hobbies, are secondary. Alternatively, you may prioritize your parent’s emotional well-being or quality of life, and make decisions accordingly.
Remember, that positive social interaction is beneficial to your overall wellbeing, so be sure to consider how important this might be to your aging parents.
By deciding what matters are most important, you can make more informed decisions about your parent’s care and focus your energy on the things that matter most. This can also help reduce stress and anxiety by giving you a clear sense of direction and purpose.
However, it is important to remember that priorities can change over time as your parent’s needs and circumstances change. Be open to revisiting your priorities and making adjustments as needed.
Ultimately, deciding what matters are most important can help you provide the best care for your elderly parents and improve your overall caregiving experience.
15. Know Your Own Limits
When caring for negative, irrational, or stubborn aging parents, it is important to know your own limits. It is important to recognize when you need help or when you need to take a break.
This may involve asking for help from other family members, hiring a professional caregiver, or taking time for self-care activities. It is not selfish to prioritize your own well-being, and doing so can ultimately lead to better care for your elderly parents.
Knowing your own limits also means being honest with yourself about what you can and cannot do. It is important to set realistic expectations and boundaries for yourself, and to communicate these boundaries to your parents and other family members.
By knowing your own limits, you can avoid burnout and maintain a healthier and more sustainable caregiving experience.
16. Plan Ahead
Planning ahead is an essential part of caring for difficult older adults. It involves anticipating future needs and making arrangements to ensure that those needs are met.
One aspect of planning ahead is financial planning. This includes ensuring that your parents have adequate savings and income to cover the cost of their care, as well as making arrangements for long-term care insurance or Medicaid if necessary. You may want to consult a financial advisor.
Another important aspect of planning ahead is legal planning. This involves creating a will or trust, appointing a power of attorney or healthcare proxy, and discussing end-of-life care preferences with your parents.
By planning ahead, you can avoid last-minute emergencies and ensure that your parents receive the best possible care in the future. Additionally, planning ahead can give you and your parents a sense of control and peace of mind, knowing that you have taken steps to prepare for the future.
It is important to involve your parents in the planning process as much as possible, and to be respectful of their wishes and preferences.
17. Treat Your Aging Parents Like Adults
Treating your parents like adults is an important aspect of caring for negative and irrational elderly parents. This means respecting their independence, autonomy, and decision-making abilities.
While it may be tempting to treat your parents like children, especially if they are struggling with cognitive or physical decline, doing so can be disrespectful and demeaning. Instead, try to involve your parents in decision-making, and respect their choices and preferences, as much as possible.
One way to treat your parents like adults is to communicate with them openly and honestly. This means sharing information about their health and care needs, and involving them in discussions about their care plan. It also means being honest about your own limitations and needs as a caregiver.
Additionally, it is important to respect your parent’s privacy and personal space, as much as possible. While you may be responsible for their care, they still have a right to autonomy and privacy in their own home.
By treating your parents like adults, you can improve your relationship with them and create a more positive caregiving experience. It can also help your parents feel respected and valued, even as they struggle with physical or cognitive decline.
18. Know that Timing is Everything
Choosing the right time to deal with difficult elderly parents is an important consideration when providing care. It is important to choose a time when both you and your parents are well-rested and free from distractions, as this can help ensure that you are able to communicate effectively and calmly.
Additionally, it is important to choose a time when your parents are most receptive to communication. For example, if your parent is prone to outbursts in the evening, it may be better to address issues in the morning when they are more calm and collected.
When choosing a time to deal with difficult elderly parents, it is also important to consider your own needs and limitations. If you are feeling particularly stressed or overwhelmed, it may be better to postpone difficult conversations until you are feeling more capable.
Ultimately, choosing the right time to deal with difficult elderly parents can help ensure that you are able to communicate effectively and create a more positive caregiving experience for both you and your parents.
19. Explore the Motivation Behind Their Behavior
Exploring the motivation behind the behavior of your negative elderly parent can help you better understand their needs and preferences, and can ultimately lead to more effective and less stressful caregiving.
For example, if your parent is resisting a particular care activity, such as taking medication or attending physical therapy, it may be helpful to explore why they are resistant. Is it because they don’t understand the benefits of the activity? Is it because they are afraid of the activity itself or of the potential consequences?
By asking open-ended questions and actively listening to your parent’s responses, you can gain a better understanding of their perspective and motivations. This can help you tailor your plans and care approach to better meet their needs.
Another way to explore motivation is to consider your parent’s life history and values. For example, if your parent is resistant to moving into an assisted living facility, it may be helpful to understand why. Is it because they value their independence and autonomy? Is it because they have negative associations with institutional care facilities based on past experiences?
By exploring these underlying motivations, you can better understand your parent’s needs and preferences, and can work together to create a care plan that is more in line with their values and goals. It can also help you avoid potential conflicts and misunderstandings in the future.
20. Talk to Their Doctor About Possible Underlying Causes
Talking to your parent’s doctor about underlying causes of negative and irrational behavior can also be a helpful strategy. In many cases, changes in behavior may be related to underlying medical or psychological conditions, such as depression, anxiety, or cognitive decline.
By discussing your concerns with your parent’s doctor, you can get a better understanding of the potential underlying causes of their behavior and develop a plan for addressing them. The doctor may be able to provide medical advice and offer medication or other treatments that can help alleviate symptoms and improve your parent’s quality of life.
Additionally, the doctor may be able to provide advice on how to communicate with your parent more effectively, or may be able to refer you to other professionals, such as a geriatric psychiatrist or social worker, who can provide additional support and guidance.
Talking to your parent’s doctor can also be helpful in terms of building a team of professionals who can work together to provide comprehensive care. By involving medical professionals in the care process, you can ensure that all aspects of your parent’s health and well-being are being addressed.
21. Don’t Take Anything Personally
It is common for elderly individuals to become irritable, agitated, or even aggressive due to a variety of reasons, including pain, discomfort, confusion, cognitive decline, or frustration.
It is essential to understand that their behavior is not a reflection of your relationship with them or your ability to care for them. By not taking their behavior personally, you can approach the situation calmly and with empathy, which can help to de-escalate the situation and prevent it from escalating further.
One way to avoid taking things personally when dealing with difficult elderly parents is to practice active listening. This involves paying attention to what they are saying, acknowledging their feelings, and responding in a non-judgmental manner.
It is important to remember that their behavior may be a result of their current situation, rather than a reflection of your relationship with them. By listening to their concerns and showing that you understand their perspective, you can establish a better relationship with them and make it easier to navigate difficult situations.
Dementia and Alzheimer’s Disease
I’d like to add one additional piece of advice that I’ve learned from dealing with family members who have dementia or Alzheimer’s Disease.
As soon as you notice personality changes, such as difficult behavior, maintaining good hygiene, declining mental capacity, safety concerns, or other obvious changes, consult with other family members and a medical professional. Don’t assume it is the normal aging process.
Dementia can begin even in middle-aged adults so the best thing you can do for your family member is keep an open mind about what could be causing the changes.
You can learn more at: National Institute on Aging, Alzheimer’s Disease Fact Sheet and Alzheimer’s Foundation of America.
Final Thoughts: How to Deal with Stubborn Aging Parents
In conclusion, caring for negative, stubborn, and irrational elderly parents can be a challenging experience, but it is also an opportunity to show your love and support.
By using these 21 tips, you can manage the difficulties of caregiving and build a stronger, more meaningful relationship with your elderly parents.
Remember, caregiving is a long-term commitment, and it is important to approach it with patience, compassion, and understanding.
I wish you the best of luck in these challenging times! Remember, these times won’t last forever.
You may find that these related articles provide additional support for what you are experiencing with your elderly parents:
- 27+ Beautiful Quotes and Poems About A Life Well Lived
- 21+ Ways to Practice Emotional Self Care and Wellness
- 39 Super Helpful Tips for Making Your Life Easier
- 19 Powerful Reasons Why Mindset is Everything
Love to ALL! ~ Susan
