What Is Positive Selfishness and How Is It Healthy?

When you hear the word “selfish,” what comes to mind? For many, it brings up negative connotations—greedy, uncaring, or someone who prioritizes their needs at the detriment of others.

But what if I told you there’s a way to be selfish that doesn’t harm anyone? In fact, it’s a type of selfishness that can improve your relationships, emotional health, and overall well-being.

Enter: positive selfishness. This concept flips the script on what it means to put yourself first and shows how essential it is for a balanced, happy life. Let’s learn more about this healthy concept!

What Is Positive Selfishness?

Positive selfishness means prioritizing your personal well-being in a way that benefits both you and the people in your life.

It’s about recognizing your needs without discarding your good intentions toward others. Unlike selfish motives solely rooted in personal gain, positive selfishness seeks the right balance.

You meet your own needs, not to ignore others, but to ensure you’re strong enough to support them too.

Think of it like on an airplane when the flight attendant says always put on your own oxygen mask first during an emergency. You can’t help anyone else if you’re running on empty.

Positive selfishness encourages healthy self-love, setting boundaries, and understanding that taking care of yourself is just as important as caring for others.

My Personal Experiences with Positive Selfishness

More than 25 years ago I learned the concept of positive selfishness to help cope with stress and chaos. Some people also refer to the concept as POSITIVELY SELFISH or SELF KINDNESS.   

When my children were in elementary school, many of the moms were stay-at-home moms who always felt overwhelmed with LIFE—you know—money, school, sports, birthdays, family, home, health, etc. The list could go on forever.

In general, my emotional needs were not being met and my own happiness was challenged daily. I was definitely not giving my best self to my loved ones.

A small group of PTA mom friends, including me, formed a support group that met on a regular basis at a local restaurant.

We gathered to enjoy appetizers and iced tea, and share inspirational and self care ideas we were using to cope with the challenges we were facing as young mothers and wives (and PTA moms).

One of the mothers, *Linda Stimatz, was older than the rest of us so she kind of took the lead.  Somewhere along her journey, she came across an article about POSITIVE SELFISHNESS and she shared it with all of us.

I wish I still had that article because it was something that changed my life. Our gatherings began to focus on discussions about this concept and how we could meet our personal needs.

At each meeting, we shared individually how we were practicing positive selfishness and discussed the strategies that were most effective to help us cope with the challenges of life. This held us accountable while also supporting each other.

This is how I began my relationship with positive selfishness and I have promoted, and practiced it, ever since.

But in the 1990’s the idea of any kind of selfishness was not popular. We all had to make a conscious choice to practice healthy selfishness regardless of the times.

Why Does Selfishness Have Such a Bad Reputation?

For decades, selfishness has been painted as a moral flaw. Generations of women, especially those raised in the 1950s and 60s, were taught to put others first—spouses, family members, communities—often at the expense of their own well-being.

This had a lot to do with societal norms at the time, which valued self-sacrifice, especially for women.

These expectations, coupled with the guilt associated with saying “no,” left many with what you might call a “selfish phobia.” The idea of prioritizing yourself became synonymous with being unkind, thoughtless, or even harmful.

But times have changed and so has our understanding of emotional health. Today, thankfully, most people see self-care as a necessity rather than a luxury.

What Positive Selfishness Looks Like

So, how does this type of healthy selfishness play out in real life? Let’s break it down into practical examples:

• Setting Healthy Boundaries: Positive selfishness means saying “no” to things that drain you emotionally or physically. It’s okay to protect your energy and time, even if it disappoints others in the short term. (I think back to my PTA days when I didn’t say “no” to anything because sadly I knew how to self-sacrifice quite well.)
• Prioritizing Self-Care: Whether it’s taking a walk, scheduling a therapy session, or just reading a favorite book, dedicating time to yourself is a form of positive selfishness.
• Making Decisions for Your Own Growth: Sometimes, you need to make choices that prioritize your needs—joining a class, switching careers, or scaling back commitments—even if they require adjustments in your personal or professional life.

Positive selfishness isn’t about being rude or dismissive. It’s about standing up for your well-being while having a healthy respect for the well-being of others. These practices will have a positive impact on every aspect of your life.

The Link Between Positive Selfishness and Emotional Health

Your mental and emotional health thrive when you take time for yourself. Doing so helps you recharge, manage stress, and show up as the best version of yourself.

Have you ever felt resentful after agreeing to do something you didn’t want to do? That resentment builds up overtime, straining relationships and harming your peace of mind.

When you embrace positive selfishness, you create space for honesty and balance in your daily life. You’re less likely to feel burned out, and instead, you approach relationships with more patience and kindness.

In many ways, caring for yourself is one of the most selfless things you can do. After all, how can you care deeply for others when you’re running on fumes?

Understanding the Right Balance

While positive selfishness is all about prioritizing your needs, it’s not an invitation to disregard the needs of others. True balance is key.

You can put yourself first without neglecting your responsibilities or relationships.

Think of it this way: If you constantly give to others, your metaphorical “cup” will eventually empty. But if you’re mindful of refilling your cup—whether through rest, hobbies, or personal growth—you have more to give to those you care about.

Healthy boundaries aren’t walls to shut people out; they’re tools to preserve both your energy and the quality of your relationships.

How to Break Free from “Selfish Phobia”

Some people even have a selfish phobia—a fear of being considered selfish—just like they may have a fear of spiders or snakes. 

After all, how many times did our mothers say to us, “Don’t be selfish” when we were kids? Many of us grew up believing that we needed to prove that we are not selfish in order to NOT be labeled that horrible word.

Consequently, as children we became confused about boundaries.  As adults, we had to learn that positive selfishness is not just about “doing something” for ourselves. It is a complete mindset that takes time and practice to develop and strengthen.

If the idea of positive selfishness feels uncomfortable or even unnatural, you’re not alone. Many of us were raised to believe that any form of selfishness is wrong.

Overcoming this mentality takes time, but it’s worth it. Here are some tips to help you embrace this mindset:

Reframe the Word “Selfish”: Remind yourself that there’s a big difference between selfishness that harms others and selfishness that helps you thrive. The latter is not only healthy—it’s necessary.

Start Small: If setting boundaries feels overwhelming, start by practicing with one small thing. Say no to an obligation that doesn’t serve you or carve out one hour a week for something you enjoy.

Check Your Intentions: Positive selfishness doesn’t mean blocking out the world. When you’re unsure, ask yourself, “Am I doing this in a way that benefits me without harming others?” If the answer is yes, proceed guilt-free.

Recognize the Bigger Picture: When you invest in your own personal well-being, you’ll find it easier to be present, loving, and generous with those around you. Everyone wins.

The Benefits of Positive Selfishness

When embraced fully, positive selfishness can transform your life. Here are some of the benefits you might notice:

• Improved Emotional Health: Reduced stress, increased self-awareness, and greater happiness.
• Stronger Relationships: Setting boundaries prevents resentment and creates mutual respect.
• Boosted Confidence: Taking ownership of your needs shows you value yourself, which builds self-esteem.
• Greater Energy: By focusing on your well-being, you’ll feel more energized and capable of tackling life’s challenges.

Unhealthy Selfishness: When Self-Care Crosses the Line

While positive selfishness focuses on self-care and setting boundaries to create balance and well-being, unhealthy selfishness can harm relationships and cause negative consequences.

It’s important to recognize the difference between these types of selfish behavior to avoid unintended damage to yourself and others.

Unhealthy selfishness often stems from selfish motivation that prioritizes your own wants above all else. This kind of selfishness disregards the needs, feelings, and well-being of others for personal gain.

Unlike positive selfishness, which can foster healthier relationships and a sense of balance, selfish acts driven by unhealthy motives can create resentment, conflict, and emotional distance.

Some examples of unhealthy selfishness include:

• Manipulating others to achieve personal goals without considering the negative impact on them.
• Ignoring commitments or responsibilities to prioritize your own convenience.
• Taking credit for others’ efforts or successes to boost your own image.
• Consistently putting your needs above those of loved ones in a way that strains relationships.

A key distinction is the intention behind the behavior. Self-oriented reasons like caring for your mental or physical health (e.g., taking a day off to recharge) differ significantly from actions that undermine trust or exploit others for selfish gain.

On the flip side, excessive self-sacrifice or pathological altruism—where someone consistently neglects their own needs to serve others—can sometimes lead to burnout, bitterness, and an eventual shift toward unhealthy selfishness as a defense mechanism.

This underscores the importance of striking a balance between your own needs and the needs of others.

By learning to recognize and avoid unhealthy selfishness, you can embrace good selfishness that supports both your well-being and your relationships.

Examples of Healthy Selfishness

Here’s a list of 10 acts of healthy selfishness that I practice today:

1. I’ve been getting regular massages for the past 27 years—every 2-4 weeks.
2. I sometimes sit in my car in the garage and just scroll through social media mindlessly for 30 minutes before I go into the house and face reality.
3. I schedule alone time just like I schedule a doctor’s appointment.
4. I enjoy a glass of peach iced tea out on the deck before I start fixing dinner.
5. In cold weather, I might get in the jacuzzi in the middle of the day and relax with some calming music for an hour or two.
6. I leave my Christmas tree up for at least a month after Christmas because I LOVE it and it brings me joy.
7. I go out to dinner with girlfriends once a month—just because.
8. I make jewelry as a hobby.
9.  I am an “Outlander” addict and faithfully watch every episode 3-4 times when all is quiet at our house.
10. I see my primary care provider every 3-4 months for preventative care.

You can make a list of 10 acts of positive selfishness you can use to refresh, renew, and re-energize for your own health and those you love. Everyone has different needs, so your list could look quite different than mine.

Write a mantra you can say to yourself as a daily reminder about the importance of a positive selfishness mindset that includes setting boundaries.

Examples:

• I am kind to myself so I am the best ME I can BE.
• I do acts of positive selfishness so I grow into the person I’m meant to be.
• Positive selfishness benefits me and those I love.
• Self-kindness is necessary for my personal growth and well-being.
• I practice positive selfishness for my family and me.
• I say NO when necessary to preserver my well-being and maintain boundaries that benefit me and those around me.

An act of self-kindness might be taking a nap to recharge, developing a new hobby, finding a quiet corner to read a book, learning meditation or doing yoga.

It could also be getting a massage, taking a bath with candles and music, or even gathering with friends to recharge and learn how to manage stress better. (Think those PTA moms😊)

Final Thoughts

Positive selfishness isn’t just an idea; it’s a mindset shift that prioritizes your needs without guilt.

For women in midlife and beyond, this concept can be life-changing. It’s not about choosing yourself over others but understanding that prioritizing your well-being benefits everyone around you.

By setting healthy boundaries, embracing self-care, and shedding “selfish phobia,” you’ll find that a healthier, happier, and more balanced version of yourself is within reach.

So many of us put ourselves on the back burner to the detriment of our own mental health, physical health, and social health. And as a result, our loved ones are not getting the BEST version of US! 

Remember, making yourself a priority is one of the best gifts you can give to yourself and your loved ones!

Check out these Related Articles about Self-Care:

• Self Care Weekend Ideas for the Ultimate Reset in 2024
• 27 Spiritual Self Care Ideas to Awaken Your Soul
• 21 Simple Acts of Self Care for Women

Love to ALL! ~ Susan

*I dedicate this article to the memory of my friend, Linda Stimatz, who helped me learn about positive selfishness.

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